Welcome to the newest edition of 5 Souls’ UFC on ADD where we try to review the fights, but rarely manage to stay on topic. Today, we’re taking a look at UFC 156: Aldo vs. Edgar.
This fight card was one with so much promise with names like Aldo, Edgar, and Chico Camus…wait who? Unfortunately, as will be discussed in greater detail below, the card largely failed to deliver on said promise.
The first fight of the night was Edwin Figueroa vs. Francisco Rivera, a fight that proved Lexani will sponsor anyone in the Octagon. The two fighters looked so bad that Joe Rogan remarked in round 2, “This is not the right way to fight.” Figueroa relied heavily on a reckless left hook displaying so little technical boxing skill that rumor is the bank foreclosed on his striking coach’s gym during the bout. He swung with such might, that he exhausted himself, leaving gaping openings in his defense. And Rivera took such advantage of those openings that he exhausted himself beating the living daylights out of Figueroa. In fact, Rivera was so tired from pounding out the TKO, that he didn’t even celebrate his victory. Rather, he fell to the canvas.
Up next was Chico Camus vs. Dustin Kimura. As a preliminary matter, I’d like to address Kimura. First, if your last name is Kimura, don’t you kind of have to become a MMA fighter? Second, if your first name is Dustin, do you really want to have the nickname Diamond like Kimura does?
And while we’re on the subject of names, why does Chico have his name tattooed on his neck? Much like Kimura’s last name predicted his future occupation, Chico’s neck tattoo predicted his, or potential lack thereof.
Speaking of Chico’s tattoos, did you notice the one across his chest that read, “Only God Can Judge Me”?
Apparently, Chico is unaware of the precise role of the three individuals with scorecards surrounding the Octagon. I shouldn’t pick on Chico too much. After all, he had a “King of Milwaukee” tattoo across his back, and as far as I know, the Milwaukee Kings are a gang out of Chicago. This point is one Joe Rogan might also like to take to heart given his remark that the BJJ Kimura employed against Chico, “only works against guys who suck.” I suppose I can’t quibble much with Joe on that point. Chico managed to get mounted even though he was the fighter getting the takedown. Quite frankly, it took Kimura way too long to finish Chico by rear naked choke. It was as if Kimura went through his entire catalog of submissions before finally settling on the RNC.
Yves Edwards vs. Isaac Vallie-Flagg was the third fight. Returning to the subject of names, I have to believe that the backstory on Vallie-Flagg’s becoming a fighter had to do with some rather uninventive children manipulating his last name into a homophobic slur. No pun intended on the use of the term backstory by the way. This fight bored me so much that I spent most of it storyboarding the Vallie-Flagg backstory. In my version, the character was a closeted homosexual and the tagline was, “Of all his fights, the one against his own sexuality was the hardest.” What do you think? Vallie-Flagg by split decision…but I bet people still harass him about his last name no matter how many wins he gets.
We got to see Bobby Green’s debut in the UFC against Jacob Volkmann next. There were lots of highlights to this fight, but the one that stood out to me was the Dikembe Mutombo Geico commercial.
Creative genius! Incidentally, have you ever heard the urban legend that after a particularly impressive basketball game by Dikembe while he played for Georgetown, he entered a party and inquired, “Who wants to sex Mutombo?” It would be so psychologically damaging to a child if he ever heard Dikembe’s Cookie Monster voice uttering those words.
Back to the Green/Volkmann bout. This one was very strange. At first, I had nicknamed Bobby Green, “The Recliner”, because he seemed to spend the end of each round laying on his back while Volkmann took his back and got both hooks in. But Green battled on and may have even finished the fight in round 2 when he had top position until Skeletor, read Kim Winslow, bizarrely stood both men up. Apparently elbowing your opponent in the face does not qualify as “working” in Winslow’s world. Staring at Winslow’s mug qualifies as “working” in my world.
Not even Winslow’s incompetence could cheat Green out of the victory. Turns out Green was like a Velociraptor, learning from his mistakes. After spending such a significant amount of time in Volkmann’s back control, he turned the tables, took Volkmann’s back and finished him by RNC. ”Clever little girl.”
The next fight up was Tyron Woodley vs. Jay Hieron, although if you blinked, you missed this fight. Tyron Woodley charged Jay Hieron like a bull in a China shop and hit him with such force that he froze up after being KO’d as if he was doing the robot.
The following bout was Gleison “No Way I’m PED Free” Tibau vs. Evan Dunham. Unfortunately for Dunham, it took him until the last 10 seconds to figure out the concept of knees. Unfortunately for Tibau, the best sponsor he could muster was Eye Candy Car Wash. Check the Internet because I don’t see any credible company under that name. I’m guessing it’s a couple guys near Tibau’s gym with a hose and…hoes.
Finally, we made our way to the PPV card, which was kicked off with Ian “Uncle Creepy” McCall vs. Joseph Benavidez. Benavidez is another in the long line of athletes out of Team Alpha Male that just can’t snatch the belt, which likely wouldn’t fit their tiny waists anyway. Is it a prerequisite to join Team Alpha Male that you’re shorter than Urijah? Benavidez is tiny! Even Urijah adores him like his little toy.
The most interesting part of the McCall/Benavidez fight to me was McCall’s grappling when Benavidez went for a failed ankle pick. Other than that, there wasn’t much to report from this one besides four low blows by Benavidez that went unpenalized. Pun intended on penal, read penile. Unanimous decision for Benavidez, whom I think has a better shot at being a jockey than beating Mighty Mouse.
Note the similarities.
Following Benavidez’s victory, we had reached the fight I was dying to see, Demian Maia vs. Jon Fitch. I couldn’t wait to watch Maia’s BJJ against Fitch’s wrestling. The submission artist vs. the submission defender. And then, the fight began, and I realized I was watching the paint drying on the wall vs. the nails growing on my fingers. I don’t want to discredit how easily Maia was taking down and controlling Fitch because that is no small feat. But what else was there in this fight? Even Fitch was bored, evidenced by his throwing up his hands as if to say, “what the hell am I supposed to do”, when Maia took his back for the millionth time. Maia might as well change his nickname to the Brazilian Backpack. So little happened other than Maia’s riding Fitch’s back that I’m still watching my TV and waiting for the fight to begin.
Once the fans finished booing Maia out of the Octagon, the lights dimmed and two of the largest species of animal I had ever seen entered, Bigfoot Silva and Alistair Overeem. How many deer had to be slaughtered for the antler spray needed to make those specimens?
To say Reem was cocky in this bout would be about as big of an understatement as saying Bigfoot may have a pituitary issue. Overeem was smirking, letting his hands hang low, and relying on what was at first very impressive head movement. Bigfoot seemed frightened in rounds 1 and 2. But then, we reached round 3, marked by the two men colliding in the center of the Octagon.
You had to take notice when these behemoths slammed into each other. I just kept thinking to myself, “Reem was not created by man. How can he be solved by man?” And then I remembered he wasn’t fighting a man. He was fighting Bigfoot, who by the way, engages in a lot of cosplay.
Okay, I made the last one up. Bigfoot, nevertheless, already has his costume worked out for next Halloween based on the thrashing he gave to the overconfident Overeem.
I know a lot of people think Bigfoot’s taunting of Reem following the TKO was disrespectful and unsportsmanlike. But I have to tell you, for once I didn’t mind. Reem is such a poor example of an athlete given his shall we say questionable ascent from 205 lbs. to 265 lbs., that I don’t think anyone owes him any respect.
Like, Reem, Rashad Evans didn’t earn much respect for the Blackzillians either in his bout against Lil’ Nog. Gentlemen, it’s a jab, not a high five. Lil’ Nog took the unanimous decision, but Joe Rogan said it best when he proclaimed, “This is not an entertaining fight.”
When I watched the Countdown episode leading up to this fight, Rashad boasted that he would be in much better shape than he was against Jon Jones, as well as totally transformed. He was right. Rashad was transformed into an elementary school aged girl playing patty cake at recess. I don’t need to see either one of these guys in the Octagon again anytime soon.
Mrs. 5 souls was dozing off by this point, but even she was awakened with the hope of fight card redemption when Edgar and Aldo came out next. I’m just going to put this out there. Jose Aldo and Anderson Silva have something in common. They are no longer inspired to try anymore. Both men realize so early in each bout that they could dismantle their opponents at will that they just become disinterested and disengaged. Argue with me if you want, but if Aldo had wanted to, he could have finished Edgar in round 2, at the latest. He knew that and checked out, regularly looking at the clock to see how much longer he had to work before it was quitting time. Silva and Aldo both lack that Michael Jordan gene that makes you want to rip you opponent’s heart out, even if it’s just a pick up game at the park. How do I know? Because Aldo only needed two leg kicks to drop Edgar, but then chose to throw only one more the entire fight.
I don’t want to take anything away from Edgar. He is a real-life version of Rocky who you better finish because he just keeps fighting. Give him 2 more minutes and he probably exploits Aldo’s laziness enough to take the win.
You know what, I take that back. Aldo’s game is so far ahead of anyone else in his class, that he easily landed a superman punch after springing off the cage, which was obviously preplanned.
It’s too bad he and Anderson Silva are cheating us out of consistent performances. I’m fairly convinced if they showed their full potential, we might see an actual fireball.
I’ll leave with a suggestion to Uncle Dana. Make Aldo and Silva fights one round. Then we’ll see some fireworks.